The Lobby of Trump Tower, Donald Trump has called the press for an announcement
My fellow Americans, I’ve got some news for you
Despite what you read and hear, there’s no denying it’s true
I’ve accomplished everything
that I set out to do
Under budget and ahead of time
there’s just one thing left to do
I drained the swamp, the rigged system is fixed, I gave a huge tax cut to help the rich
I built a wall to keep out bad dudes, I scared our enemies and allies too
The market’s way up, unemployment way down
I’ve packed the courts for years around
Attacked the press, invented fake news
And all this time I had no time to lose.
But with all the noise from Congress, it’s getting hard to hear my voice
I’m not driving the news cycle, so it’s time I made a choice
I could fight it out to the bitter end,
take a stand and count my friends
I could drag the country down,
keep on fighting till they pull me down
But in a moment of clarity I saw the world and how it should be
I see it doesn’t revolve around me And now I’m ready to let it be
And in this vision of tranquility I see the nation is once again free
There is no venom or hostility I will put the country ahead of me.
My fellow Americans, see Mike Pence by my side
He’s been waiting for a day like this, or if I just up and died
(Looks to Mike Pence with a smile as he twists the knife in his back)
You’ve had my back and my right flank
For the evangelicals I have you to thank
But you weren’t my first choice to hire,
So as nice as I can I say it – you’re fired!
Effective immediately, at the end of this speech, I’m retiring as president for West Palm Beach
I know my supporters want me to fight but for the good of the country I’ll do what’s right
But to take my place as your commander-in-chief
Unlike my cabinet, she’s not a thief
I appoint the nicest, the best person I know
I appoint Ivanka! (audible gasps) Now it’s time I go
With the music swelling, led by Melania who looks genuinely happy, he shakes hands and exchanges hugs with his staff and cabinet members as he leaves the podium and makes his way to the escalator. Near the top, at the last moment he turns around, flips the double bird and disappears from sight. The press goes crazy analyzing what just happened and who’s actually in charge of the country now.
